The first post of this blog series explained that when it came to ADHD & sex it was either ALL or NOTHING with not much grey area in between. The previous entry focused on the ALL side and now we take a deeper look at the NONE side concerning ADHD & SEX.
When we look at the disorder we see problems with initializing tasks, motivation issues, focusing problems and easy distractions. Well these issues certainly do not stop because we have entered the bedroom. Many of my ADHD clients have complained about these issues and they ended up feeling guilty and inadequate as lovers and ultimately as partners.
Issues with perfectionism also need to be mentioned as perfectionism also impacts people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in their sex lives as they feel they have to look perfect, have the perfect situation and act perfectly according to their or their partner’s fantasy. All of this pressure will shut down an ADHDer as it is quite overwhelming to feel you have to have all of these perfect attributes.
WHAT TO DO?
The key to many of these problems is often to pinpoint which issues are specifically affecting you and then most importantly to talk them out with your lover.
For example: if distractability is your main problem examine exactly what distracts you and make your environment as distraction-free as possible from turning off cell phones to lowering certain lights and even removing picture frames from view.
If it is racing thoughts that are distracting you be sure to take a long walk or a jog before with your partner to clear your mind. The previous will also help you with focusing issues.
If motivation and initializing are the problems I recommend scheduling sex; YES I said it put sex time in your agenda on a night that works well for both of you. Seeing SEX NIGHT scheduled can help you think about it during the day and this can often act as a great arousal mechanism. Doing this also helps with perfectionism as you have time to prepare for the evening in advance and talk with your partner about realistic expectations.
Discussion with your partner is the key to minimizing your symptoms during sex and good communication is the foundation of good relationships. In turn I hope that these tips and a good discuss will help you in your intimate lives.
Until soon, take good care.
Coach Maddy Madeleine Cote is a Montreal ADD/ADHD Coach and has been working with teens, students, adults, parents and groups for over 10 years.